February 25, 2019 | By Brandon Sublett | Fathers
It's only been a few days since you left. I'm broken, my wife, your momma is broken, we are broken - Life as we once knew it is broken. With the news of 4 simple, but heart wrenching words, life has completely changed. "There is no heartbeat." No longer will I be able to watch you grow, my love. Hopes, dreams, our soon to come daddy-daughter days are almost over. I soon become numb. My body wants to completely shut down and hide from everything. You see, my love, some things are easier said than done. Daddy can't give in and collapse! Daddy has to be strong for you and mommy. Your mommy and I have been through a lot, but I have never seen mommy like this. She has always been a unique and beautiful puzzle that I have always been trying to figure out. But today is different - the puzzle has been scrambled again and Daddy has to figure it out. Some pieces look different than what I remember. Mommy's good days are her just getting out of bed, and its only by the grace of God that she is able to stomach anything. My love, she misses you so much. Daddy misses you too. Baby girl, I have to stay focused - trust me - its only because I love you and mommy so much - I have to be strong for us. Your beauty that you brought this world needs to be remembered. If daddy has anything to do with it - trust me - it will! Daddy does what he has to in order to keep things going. Not only does daddy have to take care of mommy, but daddy has to take care of you. Daddy has to tour multiple funeral homes and even crematoriums. Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever imagined doing this. Who is going to take care of my girl the best? Who is going to handle her with love, when Daddy can't? Daddy even went into the chamber where your body would last lay so that he could make sure you were handled with care. Daddy once again, puts his initial feelings aside, because that's what daddy's do. I don't know how to handle a memorial, where do I even begin? Daddy stays focused, begins researching, and puts together your memorial service. I don't even know how I am functioning right now! All I know is these are the last things I can do for my girl before I turn a new chapter. I don't want to start a new chapter, but I know I have to. I'm taking your mom along the ride with me because as much as she doesn't want to - I know she needs to. I'm patient, kind and approach mommy with love. There are things in store in our future that do contain you, we just don't know it yet. In order to see these things we must move forward. We will never leave you behind. We will always carry you with us wherever we go.
Days have passed and we both try to find the strength to survive. We only focus on the moment. Sometimes we only focus in on our breath. The sheer thought of what we will do an hour from now is more than we can even begin to fathom. We hold each other, we cry, we talk about our beautiful pregnancy with you and how you would move. We talk about how you use to stick your butt out and how we use to laugh. Once in a while you will see a smile come across our faces. We start feeling guilty because we smiled. But you see - it's you who make us smile. It's an emotional rollercoaster, with more downs than ups. We begin to find our new sense of self. Mommy has found peace in yoga, mommy creates boxes in your memory to donate to the hospital, mommy blogs, mommy reaches out to other mommies for support and later to offer support, mommy talks about you all the time, mommy cries a lot, mommy hurts, mommy misses you so much.Daddy does things very differently than mommy. Daddy is unique. And thats okay!
Daddy and his girl have a special bond - it's a daddy daughter bond that will always last. I use to wish that I could understand the pain that your mommy was going through, but I have since then learned I will never know and that's okay. You two hold different kind of bond. I respect that. There are things your mom will never understand about you and I. And that's okay too! She respects that. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. And as many times as other people may say I'm crazy. That's okay - you are still my girl. Mommy may think I only think of you once in a while, but truth be told - I cry every single day. You cross my mind every single time I see a girl that is your age. I wonder, what you would be like. You cross my mind as I watch your sister grow - I wonder what you would have been been like. Would you do things the same or completely different? You cross my mind when I'm listening to certain songs - I wonder how different it could be. We could be listening to dance songs and I could be twirling you around as we laugh and giggle. You cross my mind when I'm lonely, my thoughts suddenly race to you. I constantly wonder what you are doing? Can you see me? Would you be proud of daddy? Daddy doesn't wear his heart on his sleeves all the time. He keeps it protected, because you are a part of his heart and he doesn't want to lose you again. He holds a lot of his feelings inside, not because he doesn't feel, but because he cherishes his girl. And that's okay. Once in a while mommy will catch me just at the right moment, and I cant hold it back. And that's okay too. Daddy looks at all the things mommy does for you and wishes he could do those things for you too. But remember, daddy is a little different than mommy. And that's okay. So daddy throws on his pink socks, and goes out for a run, all the while I think of you. Some people have said before that I am running from my problems. This is so far from the truth. When I run, I run toward beauty, I run for love, I run because this is where I connect with you. I simply run because I long to hold you again.On the surface, daddy may look like he has moved on because he is functioning. Daddy is quiet but his mind is racing. I could listen to stories all day long about you, but as soon as I open up, it rips me to the core. Daddy misses you. There are times where I casually walk away to hide and pour my heart out. Daddy gets angry - because he couldn't protect you. He gets angry because he wants something that he cant have -RIGHT NOW. He wants to hold you. Daddy cries - mommy doesn't have to know. Daddy smiles - because of the joy you brought to him and mommy. Daddy protects - he watches closely over mommy and your sister. He's already given too much. Daddy loves - because you have shown daddy what true love is. Daddy tries to understand mommy's puzzle again, and it is still ever changing. Slowly but surely it is coming together. He is once again beginning to understand your mommy who he once almost fully understood. This time in a whole different light. This puzzle is so much more beautiful than what I remember. There are hints of you that appear in every detail. Daddy wants to see all the beauty! So Daddy continues to move forward, quietly, taking in every detail along the way. Understanding more and more daily. Not just about how mommy is ever changing, but also uncovering more of the meaning to your sweet and precious life. Some of the most beautiful things in life are beyond the description of words. My love, you know my thoughts. And you know my heart. Its a bond that only you and I share, and that is okay! I am so proud to call you my daughter.
Reagan Elizabeth, I love you.