Supporting a Grieving Family
February 22, 2019 | By Claudia Blumenstock | Friends and Family
How to help:
- Be supportive – Visit or call to say, “I care and I want to help.”
- Treat the bereaved couple equally. Men need as much support as women.
- Be available. Parents need direct help providing a meal, doing errands, babysitting their other children. Sometimes concrete offers like, “I’d like to bring dinner over tonight” are more helpful.
- Listen. Allow the parents to talk about their child; ask but don’t pry. Let them know that you want to listen if they want to talk.
- Learn about the grieving process. There are many books available.
- Don’t be afraid of reminding the parents about the child. They have never forgotten. Letting them know that you remember is comforting. Refer to their child by name.
- Be liberal with touching a grieving parent. They often have a need for contact.
What to say:
- I’m sorry.
- I’m so sad for your loss.
- I know this is terribly hard for you.
- I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you feel.
- How are you managing all of this>? (be prepared to listen)
- I don’t know what to say.
- It makes me sad.
- How can I help you?
- Do you feel like talking about…(use baby’s name)
- Talk as long as you want. I have plenty of time.
- Tell me about…(use baby’s name)
Remember, showing interest and caring are more important than finding the right words.
What NOT to say:
- It all happened for the best.
- You’re young. You can have others. (Children are NOT interchangeable)
- You’re lucky you have two healthy children. (But they don’t have this baby)
- Now you’ll have an angel in heaven. (They wanted a baby in their arms)
- You’re better off having this happen now, before you knew the baby.
- This was God’s way of saying something was wrong.
- You should feel lucky that you’re alive.
- Forget it. Put it behind you and get on with your life.
- I understand. (If you have not had a similar experience, this is not helpful)
- To the father: You have to be strong now for your wife.
Originally printed in the Empty Cradle Newsletter July/August 2004